Why is it....that what you want most..eludes you?
Your forever chasing after something, that is just really an illusion...
a self-creation, that never really existed at all....only in your dreams.....
She called me this evening..."Do me a favor", she says....pick out what you want for Christmas..and I'll send you a check".
No Thanks I reply, that's just not how it should be...
Somewhere in my mind, I've always held this vision, this concept... or mental image of how Christmas should be....Like the Brady Bunch or a Martha Stewart Christmas Special.... A place where everyone is in extravagant attire, toasting each other...the table laid with the finest silverware, hints of holiday music melting in the air....everything warm and fuzzy around the edges...
What a crock of horseshit! Get over it Penneth!
Instead I hear....I don't have the time ..It's just too much trouble to pick out a gift, with having to go to the post office and all, I can't be bothered...Ill send you a check...
No Fucking Thanks!
In retrospect....this is a tremendous improvement from my childhood memories of Christmas, which mainly consisted of watching my presents being strewn across the yard and tossed down the road during fits of drunken stupor...much to the glee of the neighborhood kids, who found this most entertaining...
Somehow, my gifts, always managed , magically,to find themselves folded neatly on the end of my bed, come next morning.... where I would purposely leave them for days on end without touching a one.
But still 40 years later...I longed to be loved, to be cherished, to be told that I matter, and I'm worth it....and it still eludes me.
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3 comments:
OH! FUCK HER!
It is a sad commentary on life that anyone can reproduce and cause someone else so much pain.
I sympathize with you, although that is no consolation. If it helps any at all, I love you.I respect you and I appreciate you and your addition to my life.You add friendship and companionship and laughter
Holy Moly, You were going to get a check? Why didn't you say " Sure, sign it and leave it blank". I think she would have gotten the message and you could have gotten a good laugh from her response. Oh!! How we miss the little things in life that make us laugh. :-)
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