My Friend Jack

About a month ago, while sculling about on Receta I met Jack.
Jack's an expert on "all things kayak" He' s as old as Methuselah, but he'll get down on his haunches to teach or show you, anything you need to know. Sweet old guy..really
So we've become kayaking comrades!
Today we meet up for class on Dump & Rescue...which is suppose to teach me, how to get back in my boat, when and if I ever fall out.,.,which I haven't yet..I might add!
Anyway......Jack extracts a black, shower cap-looking-thingy, out of nowhere, and plops it on his head. He looks like snoopy, impersonating the Red Baron...
Then he whips out his paddle floatation device??? and who knows what else....I've lost count by now..
Okay Girly...he says...pay attention , I'm gonna show you how it's done.....
And there he goes, he flips over his kayak, faster than I can say...Looney Toon and now he's treading water.......
So I watch and try to concentrate on whats happening, right before my very eyes.....
It looks to me like his foot got stuck in one of his homemade jigger thingies.
He's upside down and bobbing up and down like a buoy.
As he's struggling to get his foot free, off pops his shoe....
I watch it drift past....and I'm figuring--- that he knows what he's doing so I paddle off on my own shoe-rescue mission...
While I'm there, I figure, I'll sneak a sippy or two of my Vodka cranberry, that I so sinuously shanghaied on board.
Feeling slightly chipper (an a wee bit woozy ) I head back over to Jack..who by now is gasping for air,... What the fuck? Is this normal ?
Meanwhile, we've acquired a few onlookers who stare in disbelief and appear to be as puzzled as I am........
Oh my God..he's drowning, for fuck sake!
Just as I'm ready to leap out of Receta and perform CPR...He rights himself, and he's back in his boat ( sprawled out across his boat really )......
The onlookers clap and cheer and I know they're thinking the same thing that I'm thinking-
This guy is fucking CRACKERS!
Meanwhile I'm pissed to the eyeballs, that I didn't sneak a Xanax or two on board, to go with that Vodka Cranberry...cause this shit..is way too much work!

No Shit, So There I Was

No shit...so, There I was...........Stuffing moth balls down a snake hole.........
How often do you get to begin a sentence like that?
We have recently acquired a vile reptilian inhabitant, who has taken up residence under our sidewalk.
Just for the record.........I HATE snakes.. They scare the living shit out of me!..so of course...
I head down to my local Walmart to snag me a box of good-"Old Fashioned Moth Bolls"
as I was advised to do, by a weblog on snakes??? Who the fuck creates a weblog on snakes??? Can you spell L.O.C.O
So anyway....the little fucker hasn't been seen since.....to bad, since I've been waiting, for friggin eons, with the sharp edge of our "pooper scooper" to hack the thing to death....
oh well...
As if this story wasn't pitiful enough on it's own....let me include the calamity yet to come....

No shit...so here I am.....later on, in the day, in my living room.. in my mini-shorty shorts...doing the Zumba...
Zumba, for those of you who don't already know, is a smutty- latin style version of aerobics...where you bump and grind to the soca beat....shaking all your stuff and letting it all hang out.....
So there I was, getting all down in it, when I look up to see a fucking Insurance salesman standing in my door way......yes really! I couldn't make this shit up....I almost had a coronary, right there on my Persian knock-off.

Now I know that somewhere tomorrow, they'll be laughing their asses off, around the water cooler, at that one.

On The Lake

Ahhh.... A day of peace and serenity! Well, not a day....a couple of hours or so...and that's better than none...... My, I sound euphoric..if I may say so myself..

There I was... paddling about....Just me and a lone white, puffy, wisp of a cloud, resting overhead. As I paddle...my mind wanders...I entertain all sorts of thoughts....for a while... I contemplate my solitude......ponder the futility of existence , and then move on to more pressing and critical matters...such as , "what the hell am I gonna cook for dinner"? and " I don't know why I bother cooking at all, no one fucking appreciates it anyway...

As I paddle around the bend, I happen across two kayakers.. Two men. Their white, flacid bellies hanging out, indecently, all over the place.

The one with a flag tied to the back of his boat..you know...like the kind of flags, we had as kids, on the back of our bikes, so that ongoing motorist could spot us, before they ran us over.

"Hey" he shouts....We're gonna hike the hill here...you wanna come?? What? Yeah...come join us.. he says as he tries to paddle over.................Can you spell DELIVERANCE?

Hell and No , I say while reaching for my handy-dandy pocket knife...that I keep for just such occasions. You just never know when your gonna have to fillet, an old flabby pervert or two.

Oh well...so much for my peace and serenity......but hey, nothing like giving someone the finger, and paddling your ass off, before they can jump into your boat.......

Today's News

News Alert!!!! New Job Interview....

I've been called for a interview on Sunday! Finally!!! ( I've only submitted like 500 applications in the last week)
Only one slight problem. This particular job , is one that I was a " No-show" for, about a month ago...when I was.......... in my own conceited opinon....way to Fucking good for that job!
For Fuck's sake......Can't people see how friggin gifted I am?
You want me to be a muffin scooper? A second shift, second rate Chef D'Oeuvre??

So I'm figuring, this place....must be hard-up..
They call a "no-show" back and pretend the whole damned thing didn't happen....Oh well....can't look a gift-horse in the mouth!
It's a big name too........It'll look mighty impressive on my resume!
Doesn't matter that they don't pay shit...it's a name right? That's what I keep telling myself....

It's all good....until the Student Loan Fuckers, hook on to my pay check...
I figure...... after that, and uncle friggin Sam ,maybe I'll bring home about $300 a week...
Not bad for a 60,000 dollar education, at the finest Culinary School in the Damned World! Jeesh, Penneth, your only 40......you can work our way up the ladder! Fuck me.

Black Clouds

July 24, 2008 8 p.m.

I've waited and waited for a break in this shit-hole weather for a week..........so I could take off in Receta ( my Kayak) but of course, the minute I got out on the friggin lake, it started to Thunder.....AGAIN .........what the fuck?
What kind of horse-shit summer is this anyway.....It seems like its been raining for weeks.........It's like there is this big, dark-ass cloud, that keeps following me around.... Enough all ready

The Johnny Cake Caper

The Johnny Cake...

A.K.A Fried Bakes, Floats

The Johnny Cake has always been a favored staple in St.Maarten, the island where I grew up. No matter what you call them, you can always bet, they're NOT baked, but fried...

That's right...deliciously yummy fried, discs of dough!
I would buy them at school, sliced and stuffed with Gouda cheese, served up in a greasy brown paper sack.
I've been attempting to replicate, these delicious pieces of my past.... for the last 15 years!
I have created and re-created copious quantities and coutless varieties.,to no avail...

Until Now!
THE MYSTERY HAS BEEN SOLVED.
The one ingredient that has been eluding me, all of these years........Yeast! not Baking Powder.
(Duhhhh...you should have friggin known.........Ms. CIA graduate)

This recipe......will yield the most yeasty, spongy, and incredibly delicious Johnny Cakes, you've ever had...Go ahead, take advantage of my sweat and blood!!!!!!!!
Enjoy!

1/2 pk yeast
3/4 cup lukewarm water
1 teaspoon sugar
1 tsp. salt
3 tbs. butter, melted
3 cups flour

Soak yeast in 1/4 cup of water. Set aside for 5 minutes.Add the remainder of the water, sugar, salt , flour, and melted butter.
Kneaduntil smooth..( about 3-5 minutes) add more water if necessary.
Put in an oiled bowl and cover and the rise for 1 hour

Cut the dough into 12 pieces and roll each piece into a balls. Flatten slightly with your palm and let rise another hour.
Flatten the balls of dough with your hand.
In a large skillet over medium heat, add 2" oil and cook the dough until brown on each side or deep fry and watch em float.

This is what it's come to?

I don't even know where to begin........................
I suppose, I can start my nag-session about today, and from time-to-time, reminisce about my wretched, often rediculous past.

July 24, 2008

It's raining like a bitch AGAIN.....It's been raining for a friggin week, I swear.
Everything's damp and stinks of mold...Just what I wanted to get up too, today.

Oh well, it should it fit in nicely with my daily job search... Where I spend half the day, perusing craigslist ( which is depressing enough) unless you wanna be a mystery shopper ( what the fuck does that mean anyway???) and on-line local want ads.

How did this happen to me anyway....I've just turned 40, have 2 damned college degrees, and I'm unemployed ( after being forced to close my company, that I succesfully ran for 5 years...thanks to Uncle Sam, Sir ) And now, having to fight my way back into a crumbling economy and job market , where nobody, and I mean nobody, around here is looking for a Pastry Chef.

I was lucky enough to snag a job offer, last week at a nursing home, where I would be fortunate enough to spend my days, openning frozen bags of beef stew & chicken nuggets every day , and whip up a few mushy side dishes of peas con margarine and canned corn or some shit like that.... and on really, really special occasions................ I'd be granted to oppportunity to prepare fruit-cocktail floating in lime jello .....from scratch!!!!!!! YEAH!!!! All for about $ 8.58 an hour......
Fuck me!