Giving Thanks

You know...It's soooo easy to complain, about how life has treated you so unfairly...to rehash, over and over again,in your mind, the unjustices that have befallen you, the cruelties and abuse, that have taken place in your life..how very unfair life has been to you...until one day- you get a phone call, that slaps you in the face....you know....like being dowsed with ice-cold water...it jolts you back to reality and shows you, just how shallow you are....and just how very good you have it.I got such a call tonight..from my buddy Jack.

Jack called to wish my a Happy Thanksgiving, and to tell me how gratefull he was for my friendship this summmer. Those of you who follow my blog, know all about Jack...He really was a pain in the ass, but in a good-way...and we shared quite a few laughs over the course of the summer...I occasionally dream of his voice, screeching....BODY ROTATION...BODY ROTATION!

At any rate....Adolf received an prepostorously large, colossal turkey from work...another one of his many perks.
What the fuck am I gonna do with a 20 pound turkey???? I asked myself...Adolf with his picky ass, only eats breast meat and Atilla doesn't eat turkey at all..I'll be eating turkey until the cows come home..........Fuck!

Jack...I thought...Jack could use a turkey!!!
From what I could gather...Jack resides in a remote shack in the foothills of the Adirondacka, without the modern convenience of the internet, or t.v. He spends his summer, kayaking and chopping wood, so he can heat his home, during the long New York winters....I remind you, that Jack is 80+ and does the chopping by hand...an incredible feat at any age.

During our conversation, this evening...I offered up our turkey and graciously offered to drop it off for him.... my goodwill gleaming off me like sunbeams on the water...
He thanked me lavishly for the offer, most pleased that I would even consider him,
but kindly declied, as he can only eat.. what he can open from a can.... He doesn't have a stove!!! Who doesn't own a stove??? This is 2008!

As I hung up the reciever..I cried.... big-fat- hot tears...streaming down my cheeks...Tears for Jack, and tears of shame, that I've allowed myself to be swallowed up in self-pitty,when I truly am blessed and have much to give thanks for!

I Just Wanted Her To Love Me

Why is it....that what you want most..eludes you?

Your forever chasing after something, that is just really an illusion...
a self-creation, that never really existed at all....only in your dreams.....

She called me this evening..."Do me a favor", she says....pick out what you want for Christmas..and I'll send you a check".
No Thanks I reply, that's just not how it should be...

Somewhere in my mind, I've always held this vision, this concept... or mental image of how Christmas should be....Like the Brady Bunch or a Martha Stewart Christmas Special.... A place where everyone is in extravagant attire, toasting each other...the table laid with the finest silverware, hints of holiday music melting in the air....everything warm and fuzzy around the edges...
What a crock of horseshit! Get over it Penneth!

Instead I hear....I don't have the time ..It's just too much trouble to pick out a gift, with having to go to the post office and all, I can't be bothered...Ill send you a check...
No Fucking Thanks!

In retrospect....this is a tremendous improvement from my childhood memories of Christmas, which mainly consisted of watching my presents being strewn across the yard and tossed down the road during fits of drunken stupor...much to the glee of the neighborhood kids, who found this most entertaining...

Somehow, my gifts, always managed , magically,to find themselves folded neatly on the end of my bed, come next morning.... where I would purposely leave them for days on end without touching a one.

But still 40 years later...I longed to be loved, to be cherished, to be told that I matter, and I'm worth it....and it still eludes me.

The Miracle of Makeup

Do you ever walk around, strutting your stuff, thinking you look damned good for 40?
Feeling all self-inflated, hip, and cool? I know, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, well I did too, until Monday!
Hello Reality Check!

I spent Sunday evening and most of Monday morning, crouched between the toilet bowl and tub, having temporarily lost the capacity to move due to an overwhelming urge to erupt from both ends. Combine this with a delirium of fever & chills along with incessant waves of nausea, and I was a sight to behold. I was certain that death was near. Now I know, that your probably thinking, that I had a hangover...I did not! this time....
By 5am I managed to rouse Adolf from his sleeping Abyss and asked to be taken to the ER. Anyway..... to make a long story short I was diagnosed with a nasty case of the stomach virus, and was told to wait it out...
On my way out of the ER, $100 bucks lighter and nonetheless sicker than a dog, I happened to glance at my reflection in the mirror.....JESUS H. CHRIST!!! Who the fuck was that looking back at me!
Somebody had replaced me with a pasty pale, hollow, sickening sagging bag of a person. For a split second, I thought I was being punked...but NO...It was me...
What the Fuck! I have since vowed, that no matter how sick I am, whether half dead, dying, having a stroke, or being run over by a truck, that I will NEVER, EVER, leave the house without my makeup again!

Hangover Blues!

Adolf and I spent an enjoyable Friday evening, sipping cocktails and sharing a few laughs. I know what your thinking... " you and Adolf ??? What? ...not fighting?"
Contrary to the dissertations of one deranged individual ( I'm not mentioning any names) we do actually get along....some of the time.

At any rate... somewhere along the line, I must have been enjoying myself a little too much...because one minute, I was laying languorously on the sofa laughing, the next I was sprawled out over the toilet bowl, heaving and retching, clinging to the toilet for dear life....see picture above

I do remember, at one point, hearing Adolf saying..You Okay in the there? No, I sob.
An hour later.. I crawl out of the bathroom, on all fours and climb my way up into bed..and there lays Adolf, sleeping soundly with only a slight smile on his face....Fucker!

Maggots!

Oh, Where oh Where, can my taxes be.....the decay took them away from me.

Adolf and I are in the process of buying a home...again! You would think, that I would have learned a few things from the first-go-round....NOT.

I've spent the better part of the day on a futile quest to track down 3 years of tax returns for the kind man at the bank.

Picture this..if you will..

Me, on my hands and knees, on a freezing cement floor, wading in a stinking, decaying, dark and damp basement digging through 10 years of shit! WHAT KIND OF IDIOTS KEEP, ALL OF THIS CRAP?

After numerous bouts of hysterics, outcries of obscenities, and annihilating a trinket or two, by smashing them against the far wall...I came across, what looked like a box of important papers. HALLELUJAH!!!!

I reach in, with high hopes....I pull out piles of greenish-black, sodden, festering bits of decomposing paper, teeming with maggots and mold. ARRGGHHHHH!!!!

I jump up and down, like the imbecile, that I am, screaming and flapping my arms , all the while shreeking...Fuck, Fuck Fuck!!!!

I HATE MAGGOTS! They creep me out!

Now, here is where, living out in the country, comes in handy. Because with all certainty, if I had, had any neighbors, they would have surely, had me hauled out in a straight jacket, right there on the spot.

Moral of the story: Stop renting old ass houses!

A.....dolf is for Asshole!

I set out today....to blog in a state of serenity...in a stream of conscious rhapsodies of peace and good will...but it didn't quite work out that way.
Instead I'm a sad example of insatiable hostility and aching fits of jealous rage.
I can't help myself...Adolf is perpetually pissing me off!
He's gotten awful cocky lately. I guarantee you, that it stems from him cavorting with his divorced buddies, at work....and if he doesn't watch his ass, he'll soon be sharing an apartment with one of 'em.
His tone has become short, snippy, and matter-of-factly.
Matter-of-fact this, you piece of intestinal fortitude! I will wipe that smirk, right off your egotistical ass faster that you can say "jack rabbit".
Okay, Okay..I realize that I could benefit from anger management classes, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm fending off a primordial urge to gouge his eyeballs out with my bare fingers!
How is it, that we let these men, take over our lives and let them drive us to these irrepressible places within our selves?

AFAA BITCH

Yesterday, was workshop and certification day.

Finally, after months of studying...there I was!

I arrived in a state of preparedness. Full of excitement and enthusiasm, and even a bit nervous.

All of which completely evaporated in 5 minutes flat. These, instead. were replaced by utter annoyance and a compelling urge to slap the instructor stupid.

What is it with these instructors anyway? Must they speak to you, as though your a 5-year-old? She kept rolling her eyes at us, and gave us several tongue lashings throughout the day .....at one point, I thought we might be in for a good spanking...... How much did I pay for this shit????

Of course, this goes right along with my moron theory.....which is, for those of you who don't know: "When you put a moron in any position of authority, they covet it, they relish it, and always abuse it" ( case in point- the DMV clerks) Ha..you know what I'm talking about, don't you? So anyway............

As you can imagine, her approach didn't sit well with me....I don't eat shit well.

However, I didn't want the bitch to fail me, just because I told her that she was an imbecile loser and that I wanted to bash her head into the fucking wall. So I sat there in quiet submissiveness........ and ate it! I HATE EATING SHIT!!!!!!

But somehow I got through the day without being arrested for assault and battery, and left fairly confident in a passing grade. Praise the Lord !!! and pass the Vodka Tonics!!!