Part Two- Gold's Gym Help Hotline

I start the day off by wasting a good 45 minutes, explaining to the kind lady, on the other end of the phone "hot-line", about my predicament..
(pulley cable # 3 too short)
I went over with her, in painful detail about how I had erected each and every component, piece by piece, only to come to the same God damned conclusion...I had indeed, assembled it correctly. Duh!
Next she asks me to remove all THREE pulley cable systems, and measure them, as my box, may have indeed contained an incorrect length pulley cable. We have had this happen before she says....... WHAT???
Are you kidding me? Do you have ANY idea how much work that involves????

Look Bitch, I say completely losing my cool....waving my half-dead, stump of a finger, into her imaginary face. "I've already assembled and re-assembled the entire fucking thing, three times already!! "

Now I do realize, I have a tendency to offend the people that are in a position to help me, but it's no use..I've had it... You know what...?
I'll just pack this 300 lb. piece of shit up and take it back, I scream!!! Click.....she hangs up on me.
That's Right!!!! I say triumphantly, Take That!!!

Then it slowly sinks in.. and I realize what "taking it back" entails......I start to cry...
Enormous drops pour down my red-hot cheeks and begin pooling at my feet. I wail like a wounded dog for the better part of an hour.
Then being completely exhausted and utterly spent, I collapse into a pathetic heap and fall asleep.

End Result.: It took me 18 hours to assemble it and a mere 45 minutes to break it down.
Moral of the story: Never, Ever buy an un-assembled anything!

Home Gym From Hell

I type this blog with a full-heart, half a finger, and only a marginally bruised ego.
What a friggin fiasco, the last few days have been..I hardly know where to begin.

Part One- Home Gym From Hell

If anyone out there, is even entertaining the notion, of purchasing a Gold's Gym X45 from Walmart.....Beware...Be VERY Aware!
It is an unrelenting living hell, an incubus of a beast that devoured a sizable chunk of my finger!The Krakata! The Bitch! Nightmares, of all nightmares....to assemble, and I can prove it!

It all began on Day One: While attempting to excavate the 300 pound box from my trunk. After 45 minutes of back-breaking strain, blood, sweat, and tears, I surrendered and began to remove it bit-by-fucking-bit, all 9000 pieces of it.
Okay, I'm exaggerating...slightly.
Three hours later I begin the monumental task of assembly.
The instructions read, Verbatim: "This assembly is designed, so that it can be completed by virtually anyone" What the Hell?
They neglected to mention that a fork lift and a BA in Diesel Mechanics would be helpful, if not essential!
Day three- Barely able to move. Every muscle fiber overloaded beyond capacity, and sadly minus half-a- digit.... assembly is near completion..HALLELUJAH!
( the half-a-digit remains somewhere lodged between Part#36 and Large Wing-Nut # 40 )
All that remains to be done, is for the the upper pulley cable, to be connected to the weight stacks.......Thank you Jesus! Praise God for small miracles!!!
But wait..............! It doesn't reach! It doesn't reach?? No Fucking Way? Your joking right? No such luck...There is no way ,on hell and earth, that they will ever connect..............Fuck me!
...to be continued..............

I'm Baaack!

Apologies...to my loyal Bleaders...for being off-line for 3 days!
I will be back in the Blogosphere tomorrow .after having lost the better part of my left pointy finger in an assembly accident ( sort of )....
It's been too painful to type....but I'm recovering expeditiously! My God! Wait till you hear the story....I just couldn't make this shit up, Even if I tried! Watch for my new posting tomorrow! Ohh..and I miss you too

Jealousy

It's Adolf ......with his new Fancy Schmany job!
I can't help but feel a prickle of resentfulness.I am completely aware of the ridiculousness of it, but I'm somewhat desirous of his advantages.
After all, with the new complimentary car , cell phone, laptop, and assorted perks...It's hard not to be envious! Who wouldn't be.....?
I'm happy for him...truly I am, he deserves it... and in the end..his gain is my gain...

However, after spending the past 3 weeks, tutoring him on the intricacies of Spreadsheet Applications, Word Processing, and email exchange, I feel that I too, merit such a position...after all, with my two college degrees and damn near $70,000 in student loan debt. I deserve one, God Damn it! whine, whine, whine.

The last job that I was offered was a paltry, $7.58 an hour/cooks job in a repulsive, squalid, low-income nursing home! How depressing!
I've only graduated from the finest Culinary school in America, and possibly the world, is that the best I can do....What the fuck? Somewhere along my road of life....I turn the wrong turn.
But for now, I'll be content working my way, towards a cash-free existence...which, at this pace, shouldn't take long........ whine..whine...whine okay...now I feel better!

Can you say.....Crackers?

"Your my girl", "Anything for you baby", "I live for you"

Three of Adolf's favorite phrases....

Why is it that they don't mean Dog Shit??

Flash Back................My landlord has decided it was time for a new roof, hence for the past two days, the fucking roofers, have been scraping, pounding and nailing from sun up to sun down...and in my two-bit, box of a house, it's...Ear-splitting and deafening.....like Chinese torture, only worse.

So, as you can imagine, my nerves have checked out and I'm about to lose my mind...

And for the capper on an independently miserable day...It's sunny and beautiful for a change.... ( I did attempt to sneak a little sunbathing earlier today, only to look up to see the roofers cheerfully perusing my considerable decolletage)

Anyway, back to Adolf.......As we pull into the driveway, after a quick dinner out, I happen to say something like...Shit!, the roofers are still here.....It's seven o'clock for Christ's sake, this is bullshit... And my compassionate and loving husband responds by saying ........What is your problem with everybody? Why are always complaining, can't you just get with the program?

O.k Listen up, Miracle ear......I cut him a new asshole!, as my mother would say. Right there in the driveway for all of God and creation to hear! Now the roofers and the neighbors think I'm crackers. ( what neighbors??? I live in the boonies ) ...Oh well.

Where the hell is all that....I live for you baby bullshit???? Why can't they ever be on your side?

Quote of the day: Maybe it's not me, you know?. Maybe it's just the rest of the herd that's gone insane.

Group Excersize Certificaton?

For the past month or so.... I've been diligently studying for the AFAA's Group Fitness Instructors Certification. FYI...the AFAA stands for Aerobics and Fitness Association of America.

The introductory and the subsequent 7 chapters have been engaging and informative with focus on developing and maintaining fitness, along with aerobic choreography, etc. which I've found stimulating and enjoyable....until now..

For the past several days, however..... I've been choking down such repugnant, asinine topics such as Kinesiology, Sliding Filaments, and Slow twitch muscles! I have never had such a willfully obtuse reading assignment, in all of my life!

Why would I give one rat's-ass about Kinetic chains and Third-class lever systems?

Am I striving towards an orthopedic degree?????

Noooooooooo, I only wish to instruct a group of slow-footed, old-ass ladies, on how to dance the Zumba. How hard does it have to be, for Christ sake?

But I forage on................. on this psychosomatic damaging quest for proprioceptive knowledge..... while doing my best to keep the excrement off the walls!...Because this shit is the WORST..the DENIGRATION, the End of the Fucking World...I can't take much more !!!

Okay...okay.... I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but can we please move on to something interesting, like say "the Samba Shuffle, or the Cha, Cha, Cha????

My Ring Tones...

I felt the need to share my latest ring tones with you...
They were lovingly bestowed, upon me, by my eldest daughter 'Olita... and seem to adequately capture ..the essence of me...
It is a wonderful feeling to know, without a doubt, that your children can relate to you on a deep and personal level.

Ring tone one..which sounds like a Stevie Wonder chipmonk, on smack
I just called....to say..........fuck you.
I just called.......... to tell you to kiss my ass.
I just called to saaay....bitch fuuuck you.....

Ring tone two ( my personal favorite)

Oh-oh .....I'm .........about to whip some body's ass.
Oh-oh-oh I'm............ about to whip some body's ass.
Oh..If you don't leave me alone...you gonna have to send me home..cause,
I'm about to whip some body's ass

Call me

Why Me?

During a recent shopping excursion, Atilla and I were standing in the Catsup isle, at our local Wallies...arguing as usual, about something or another...when we spotted, one of the most pitiful, gut-wrenching sights, either one of us had ever seen.
Standing before us, stood a debilitated, decrepit, old-invalid of a man..reaching out...hands shaking in a feeble attempt to reach a jar of yellow mustard.
His other hand faintly grasping his walker as he moved shakily and painstakingly slow. It was a dreadful sight...
Now, I'm telling you the truth, when I say he had only one eye..he really did !
The other was withered and folded over upon itself,,, a sad, sad sight.
Excuse me Sir ....can we help you with that? Yes..Henry stammers. ( I'll call him Henry)... as he hands me a mangled piece of paper, at which point Atilla is ready to burst into tears...

So, we set off to fill his list... By the looks of his hand-writing, I'm thinking..that he must have only one finger too, but I couldn't be sure. O.k...let's see.....Hormel Chili...Yellow mustard, Pork and beans.....What the hell? Is he opening up a frigging hot dog stand?
To each his own.. says Atilla.
After we loaded up his cart, we both decided, that we might as well help him check out....since we've come this far.
Are you driving? I ask him..
He glares up at me with his solitary eyeball, as if to say---yeah you fucking idiot, I'm driving!
Instead he says sadly ...I ride the bus here once every other week. God..does it get any worse??????.
So, being the loving, kindhearted person that I am, I offer up my number, and tell him that I'd be more than happy to pick him up once a month and take him shopping...Its the least I can do. I'm sure I see a tear in his eye as he accepts with gratitude. I give him a hug and wish him well, before hobbling off to his awaiting bus.
Now, don't we feel good about ourselves, I say to Atilla... We've done a very-good deed..
Yes indeedy!

Later that very evening...my phone rings.....................It's Henry! What? Already? I'm sure I clearly said once a month. But Henry has other things on his mind.
You know, he says, I haven't touched a women in 7 years, since my wife died, but when you hugged me earlier, it really aroused me......and I wanted to know, if you'd like to go out on a date tomorrow night?
What the fuck? Please correct me if I'm wrong...I'm young ( compared to 90 at least), tan, fit and not too hard on the eyes...or so I've been told...
What in the Sam-Hell, would make this old, one-eyed geezer, think that I would even be remotely interested in his half-dead ass!
Listen, you old PERV.....I was just trying to be nice to someone in need !!!!!!!!!
Oh, he says...long pause...............Okay......... well then, can you pick me up tomorrow, I forgot to buy a few things?
Why does this shit always happen to me?

Me And My Big Fat..............

Black Thumb!

Earlier his summer, In my endeavor to righteously consume fresh, organic, local produce...I ventured into the world of gardening! (truthfully it was effort to reduce my grocery bill but that's beside the point )

I planted a selection of essential goodies: Red Peppers, Tommy Toe Tomatoes, Basil, Thyme, Rosemary, and Parsley! I painstakingly planted my first seeds......... tenderheartedly. I felt connected, as my hands cultivated the wet, earthy soil beneath my fingers.....

Today, however, is August 12 th and thus far, I have managed to obliterate every single one of my saplings, with the exception of one measly Tommy Toe tomato plant! And by measly, I mean....one hell of a pathetic, bug ridden, yellow leafed , hideous specimen of a plant..that has thus far yielded one little fucking tomato. ( By the way..how do you kill rosemary, its a bush, for Christ sake)

Atilla and I have been fighting over the little turd, since it first emerged about 3 weeks ago...but the little bastard is still as green and hard as ever! I am fantasizing about maliciously plucking the little shit and frying it green, just for spite!

Jack Attack

Most of you are already acquainted with Jack...My kayaking "buddy". The kind old man whom I befriended on the lake recently.

As I sit here, attempting to write this story....I can't help but be honest with myself and you...my loyal Bleaders.(aka ..blog readers)

Jack is getting on my fucking nerves!

For some reason, unbeknownst to me---I've become an old-fart magnet! What the hell is up with that? I mean, I know I'm a compassionate and loving creature ..but what the fuck?..

They flock to me,......... like flies on shit!

I can't beat them off with a stick!

Enough already! Shit! Can't we just paddle about the stinking lake, chatting aimlessly, about the weather or something? But Noooooooo! Every 2 damned seconds, or so.. Jack shrieks at me ....BODY ROTATION! BODY ROTATION.,.."your
not using your body" !!!

Listen, you old fuck---I know how to move my body O.k?

But being the restrained and merciful human being, that I am..I suck it up and paddle on, grinning like the idiot I am! Gripping my paddle so tight, I fear it'll snap it two! My head is pounding and I'm considering drowning myself on the spot!....

Praise to God Almighty.....my cell phone rings...It's Adolf!!!!!! Hey Honey, he says...."having fun?" to which I reply...

OH NO!! really, I'll head back right now! Click.........

Family Emergency, I tell Jack. Gotta go!

I paddle like a son-of-a-bitch and reach shore in just short-of Olympic time...all the while wishing I hadn't long ago given up my recreational spending on smack!

Oh, the absurdity of it all!

The Secret To The Secret

How friggin long does it take to fax one measly piece of paper??? Evidently.... one hell-of-along time!

I've spent the better part of two days on the phone with Judge Asshole...who assured me, he had taken care of the whole damned seat-belt-ticket controversy, and I was awaiting a faxed conformation letter. ( The whole seat belt fiasco is a story all on it's own... I'll get to that another day) Anyway........So here I sit....on my fetid, fungus- infested carpet..ogling my undeniably, idle fax-machine. Okay... I say to myself...time to take matters into my own hands! Time to employ "The Secret".

I focus and concentrate my stare.. with a "loving" and "grateful" intonation..I announce aloud, to the universe at large...I will ring now! I AM ringing now!
I doesn't fucking ring!

Now to further infuriate an obviously demented and somewhat schizophrenic idiot...I realize that the secret to "The Secret" was getting a million imbeciles, like myself, to actually pay $25 on that piece of shit book! .........................F*#k me!

Experimenting with Kindness?

As you know, by now....I reap-a-sick-sort of pleasure from blogging about Adolf.
For some reason....His stories provoke and trigger my bleaders ( blog-readers) into a frenzy! ...and it's just so damned therapeutic, to belittle and degrade someone!!!!!!!!

Perhaps most of you, can relate to our sorted, pitiful, and often infuriating..relationship..
So tonight I set-out, to write something "charitable" and down-right kind about his goodness.. and love.......... but I just can't seem to find the words.. I'm fucking speechless.. !
Me? speechless?..that's a first......and by the way, he has hinted, that he'd prefer that, I not blemish his sick and sordid image....so never mind....I'll be back on my Adolf tirade tomorrow..................I promise!

Oh! It's On Now !!!!

Okay...I' know I'm a 40-year-old pathetically aging, self involved twit , who somehow manages to get herself into these fucking conversations, in the first place.....
but none the less..here I sit, seething and ready to blow my God damned gasket!

These conversations always begin innocently enough, but I somehow, manage to provoke and incite an argument. It doesn't really matter what we're talking about....work, weather, or world peace it's of no significance.......It always ends in a heated exchange...
Hell that's putting it mildly...the last thing I remember was aiming the cordless phone, for a linear launch, straight for his fucking forehead!! ( good thing, my eyesight is failing )

Is this natural? To fantasize about inflicting bodily harm, on the man you, swore till
death-do-you-part? Or is it just me?
I tell you...... he coerces me...he forces me to it......How many times to I have to tell him....
DON'T FUCK WITH A CRAZY PERSON!

Adolf & The White Coat Syndrome....

Adolf, unfortunately for me , is one of "those people" who suffers from White Coat Syndrome.

Although, in my humble opinion, he undoubtedly, suffers from a" whole-heap of other shit..

Case In Point

Say, we happen to be watching the news, and a segment pops-up about......say....... brain cancer. Something, in Adolf abruptly snaps.. He proceeds to massage and knead, every square inch of his skull, incessantly... searching ...feeling ...prodding for a brain cancer lump.
At this point. I attempt, to explain to him......that if he indeed, had brain cancer, that he wouldn't be able to feel it through his Fucking Skull Bones!
Really, he asks...Are you sure? " Because this side of my head, definitely feels larger than the other side.." ................By now, I'm contemplating, bashing him over the head, with a baseball bat, so he'll be able to feel, what a fucking lump, would really feel like!

Nevertheless. this isn't brain cancer week... It's DOT physical week,...........which, by the way, is worse!

He launches into a 2 day tirade about his Blood Pressure..Not only did he begin sprinting back and forth, from Rite-Aid, to check his blood pressure, by stuffing his arm into a
decrepant, and misleading blood pressure cuff, he also spent hours on end, surfing the web, for ways, that one might lower their blood pressure... At one point he even shouts..Yoga!!!!
" It says here, that if you breath deep, it will lower your blood pressure" he says..
Yoga? Adolf?..right!......You gotta be fucking kidding me!
So for the next, hand full of hours, he slowly enacts his newly found-deep breathing exercises..
I make a mental note, to Google hit-men, and walk away in disgust.

Meet Atila

Now that everyone, has been acquainted with Adolf....It's time to introduce you to Atila, Atila whom, like Adolf.....must have her identity kept secret! TOP SECRET.

A glimpse of my life with Atila.

The only two words, that I can use to convey and adequately summarize my experience on this issue is......Enough Already!!!!!!!!!!
( or Fuuuck me...would stand in nicely ) I scream it aloud often.......in an attempt to mollify and appease my mind........No use!

Dear God....I say......Please, let us call a truce! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!...(I promise I'll never drink again!......I mean....I'll never drink and drive again!) Unfortunately this is not in God's SOPM. ( Standard Operating Procedure Manual)

I must first suffer immensely, then be harassed and provoked, followed by utter remorsefulness and guilt...until there is nothing at all, left of myself..........Amen

FYI-Some days Atila i s undoubtedly.... love- able and a even a joy to be around....Today just wasn't one of those days!

ADOLF

Adolf..............That's, the name, that I've assigned to him...for undercover purposes, of course.
Adolf's mission, is to irritate and infuriate me-- an already irrationally and emotionally unstable woman!
Adolf knows precisely which buttons to push- and seems to relish and delight in grinding each and every one to it's fullest potential.
At this point, in the blog-game, I'm assuming that you've been following my written journey, and it's suffice to say that you are familiar and possibly even comfortable with my undeniable derangement......therefore I'm going to give you one itty-bitty example to support my case...( that he deliberately fucks with me)

I have this face cream ( a wrinkle cream, truthfully ) a frigging Walmart brand, for Christ's sake...That I pay $11 fucking dollars a bottle for...o.k.
But It's mine... God damn it....can't I have just one simple thing, that's mine alone!
Anyway... Adolf struts out of the bathroom this evening ( after a particularly horrific day for me, I might add ) and says....
Man oh Man..that's is some Goooood wrinkle cream.... as he proceeds to rub it into his face, neck , and chest!!!!!! Balls to this !!!! I frigging lost it!!!
I use this "el-cheapo" wrinkle cream sparingly on my face and neck only.....and here he is... rubbing the shit all over his fucking body!
Ok, I know I'm crazy.... but my blood pressure just flew the coop!
FYI...He really only used the Walmart-brand dry skin cream.....and he was only attempting to " get my goat "
He got my goat alright...He got the whole damned herd!
I consider it act of unconscionable cruelty.....What do you think?

Stressed Out!

Today is one of those days where everything, and I mean everything is a fucking hassle! You know what kind of day I'm talking about....don't you?

It's the kind of day that makes you want to beat your head, repeatedly, against a brick wall. Thank God for blogging...

Is like getting a blank check to bitch & moan and helps you momentarily forget, just how much you want to kill yourself. ( figuratively speaking, of course )

You're now probably worrying......searching for an indication of my immanent crack-up , but FEAR NOT...these words and merely delusions of a diseased mind! and this too, shall pass!

It's just one of those fucking days! Eventually I'll succumb and collapse into a sordid and wretched, semi-psychotic .....and eventually catatonic state...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ See you tomorrow